This is my current state.
Once the alarm went off this morning, and my feet begrudgingly hit the floor, I have been counting the hours until Bedtime.
Pathetic I know.
I remember the days when I was younger and the idea of going to bed each night seemed sucky to me. My mother, being the hateful person she is, forced my sister and I to be in bed at 9pm every night during the school year.
Do you know how horrible that was?
I never got to see Magnum PI, Dynasty, Knots Landing, or Johnny Carson. I was forced to go to my dark, lonely, isolated room, and sleep. My mother gave no thought to how I would be the only one in class the next day who did not see the big fight between Alexis and Krystle Carrington. I was an outcast because my mother thought sleep was more important.
If I only knew then what I know now.
In college, I could stay up half the night, be up for my job opening a daycare at 5:30am, and go strong all day. Now 20 years later, if I don’t have a full nights rest, I make Godzilla look like a PBS cartoon character.
However, rest does not come as quickly as it used to. In my younger days I could close my eyes and not wake up till morning. Now as a middle aged adult, sleep does not come easy, and when it does, it teases me by leaving just as quickly as it came.
I lay down and I think of a million things.
Did I iron my pants for tomorrow?
Did I lock the front door?
Did I lock my car?
Did I start the dishwasher?
Did I brush my teeth?
Did I turn off the light downstairs?
Once all that is figured out, I lay back to catch my ZZZZZ’s.
CRAP! Now I have to pee!
I go to the bathroom, climb into bed, get comfy and feel my self starting to drift off…..
I try to play dead in hopes she won’t notice….. it doesn’t work.
Now my dog needs to go potty again. Seriously? You couldn’t go when I was up the 12 other times?
Finally, sleep shows up. I rest. Only to awaken two hours later around midnight.
Seriously? 2 hours is ALL you can give me? I have full blown melt down.
I lay there. Refusing to give in or give up. Once again my mind wanders…..
Did I send that email today?
Did I miss my hair appointment?
Did I let the dog out to pee? (I am delirious at this point)
Do I really want to wear the blue shirt with those black pants tomorrow?
Once again I finally start to drift off…. only to have the urge to pee again.
“I do not have to pee. I do NOT have to pee. I DO NOT have to pee. I DO NOT HAVE to pee. I DO NOT HAVE TO PEE!”
Telling myself that repeatedly does not work. So once again I am up to visit the bathroom.
I sit on the edge of my bed for a few minutes to see if anything else comes to mind or needs to be done.
Slowly I creep under the covers.
The next thing I know it is 5 am and the alarm is going off. I have to pump myself up to climb out from under the sheets.
Sleep wants to be my friend now. It couldn’t hang out and join me during normal bedtime hours. Nope, sleep wants to be my BFF during the daylight.
I am sure this is some punishment for all those years I tried to avoid sleep and sneak and watch TV. I ignored sleep when it wanted to hang out, so now it getting back at me.
The cycle is vicious and the struggle is real.