Begin Again

“I’m sorry.”

So simple, yet no two other words are as difficult for me to say as those two. I am stubborn, prideful, and well…..just plain pigheaded sometimes. Issuing an Apology is all too often painful and agonizing for me.

I hate to admit I am wrong.

REALLY hate it.

However, it may surprise you the person it is the hardest for me to admit my faults to.

Myself.

Telling myself I am sorry for the all the stupid mistakes, dumb decisions, and missed opportunities is hard.  Apologizing to others is so much easier, because even if they don’t forgive me, I can still live with the fact that I apologized and the ball is in their court. But forgiving myself…..

That is another issue all together.

Sometimes it is easier and more convenient to stay angry with myself. Forgiveness takes too much effort and all too often I may forgive but don’t forget. My mind is continually working against me.

Remember when you fell short of the goal?
Remember when you disappointed yourself?
Remember when you gave up and just quit?
Remember when you failed to finish and watched everyone else?
Remember when you kept your mouth shut when you should have spoken up?
Remember when you let that person go?

The list could go on and on. Over my lifetime I have done, said, and fell short of a great deal of people and things. The guilt and anxiety I carry is like having  to walk with a 100 lb. trunk chained to my ankle.

HARD.

However, I have come to realize I don’t want that weight any longer. It is time to start traveling light. Time to toss out all that useless baggage.

It is time to Apologize and forgive myself.

So here it goes…. my apology to myself.

I apologize for giving up on you sometimes. There are times I just get so overwhelmed and frustrated that it is easier for me to just sit down and give up.  I haven’t allowed you to push yourself to see what you can do. By quitting, I have shown that I have no faith in you or your abilities. Too many times I uttered the words…. “I can’t” instead of saying “You CAN!”

I apologize for all the times you wanted to pursue something new and I wouldn’t allow you to do so. You knew that some new adventure or beginning was just around the corner, but I wouldn’t allow you to turn it, because I was scared. Scared of the unknown, and the dangers that might lie ahead.  What if something goes wrong? What if we can’t do it? What if it’s all a hoax? Deep inside of me I hear you reply, “But what if it’s wonderful?!” I am sorry I don’t listen to you.

I apologize for being too lazy to do things I know I need to do. Laziness has always been a curse for me. It is so much easier to stay inside and hang our with Little Debbie and my collection of 90210 DVDs. Putting forth the effort to help a friend in need, go to a simple dinner with family, or make that phone call I need to make, requires so much effort sometimes.  I spend so much time worrying about myself, that I am missing out on life with others.  Hard work, and effort always produce wonderful rewards. I know that now.

I apologize for not taking care of our body.  Laziness and business of life has all too often taken over. It is much easier to sit then sweat. There I said it.  I am lazy and motivated. I have cheated on you and spent too much time on the couch with Little Debbie and not enough time on my feet working out.

I apologize for being mouthy. It’s true. Sometimes I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. So much grief has been caused because of my sharp tongue, and quick wit. It is a real struggle for me to just shut up sometimes. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and turmoil I have caused because of it.  Learning to bite tongue is a slow and painful process.

Finally, I leave you with this… Life is hard, but not impossible. You are stronger then you think, and within you lies the ability to achieve great things still. Some days are going to be easier then others, and yes, you are going to goof up along the way, but the most important piece of advice I can give you, dear self is this…

Get up.

Each time you falter, and TRUST me, you will, get back up. Dust yourself off. Fix your straggly looking hair,  slap on some lipstick and BEGIN AGAIN. Forgive yourself first and the rest will fall into place.

 

 

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