I Am, I Am, I Am

I am a big fan of fruit.  There is just something enticingly yummy about a big apple, grapefruit, or orange. However, there is nothing worse then anticipating a big Juicy bite, to only find a hollow, dry, and un-tasty mess.

The fact that I am a big ole nerd has never been a hidden fact. I love to watch PBS, listen to NPR, and yes, I absolutely ADORE reading the classics. Perhaps I am what is classified as an old soul.

Some of my most favorite poems were written by the classic American Poet, Sylvia Plath. If you are looking for flowery fluff that makes you feel all warm and cozy inside, reading Plath is not for you. Her poems and short stories were often inspired by her bouts of mental illness and depression. Plath attempted suicide multiple times before finally succeeding in 1963 at the age of 30.Image result for sylvia plath

Not the typical warm and fuzzy, inspiring, and uplifting person I am so easily drawn to, but the honesty and realness in her writing often leave me screaming, “YES! YES! YES!”

She loved and wrote fiercely, often sharing the realness of her anxiety and fears.  While, most of her writing is dark and often depressing, there are few rays of light in it as well.

“Go out and do something- It isn’t your room that’s the prison, it’s yourself.” 

Reading those words were like an, “Ah Ha!” moment for me.  See, for the longest time I isolated myself within the Prison of my mind.  Life had not played fair, and I was ticked. Everyone was married, pretty, making more money than me, having more fun than me. Here I was expecting to take a bite into a nice juicy existence, and all I got was a dried up piece of old gnarly fruit.

Or so I had convinced myself.

I had virtually made myself a prisoner. Each and every day I sat and waited.

And waited…..

And waited……

But life never happened.

Wasn’t it supposed to come and knock on my door and say, “Come on! Let’s go!” Wasn’t it supposed to be all juicy and tasty?

But here I was stuck withing the confines of my stubborn and bitter mind.

Life was NOT going to come to me…..So I was going to have to go to it.

Changing a way you have lived is hard.

REAL hard.

And scary.

Slowly, and purposefully, I began stepping out of my comfort zone and into the great wild unknown that is life.

I would so love to write that it was super easy and that I was complete success, but that would be a total and complete lie.

I sucked at it.

Rejection, and fear of abandonment are hard obstacles to overcome.  I found myself constantly worried that I would fail, people wouldn’t like me, or they would find me weird and take off the first chance they got.

So I had to work on how I thought about myself.

Failure
Disappointment
Loser
Ugly
Fat
Stupid

These were all terms I used in describing myself. Pretty classy huh?  No wonder life hadn’t happened.  Who would want to hang out with that??????

But I decided to step back and see myself through the Creator’s eyes.  God doesn’t lie, so I knew if I asked Him what He thought of me I would get an honest answer.  I prayed, and read deep into His word, and this is what I found….

“You are beautiful. For you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” ∼ Psalms 139:14

That’s right.  I am beautiful. God specifically designed me the way He intended, so you might just say that I am custom made. One of a kind. A rare jewel.

Thinking of myself in this way completely changed the game.  I am not all those things I told myself. No. Instead,  I am a beautiful creation, and life was meant for me to enjoy, not sit confined inside the prison of my mind.

The juicy apple was out there, I just had to go find it.

Some days are easy, and some I want to hide in my bed with my dog and a good book all day and just let life pass me by. But then, there are those amazing days, when I completely throw caution to the wind, and step outside and LIVE.

Those days…..they are worth each and every fear.

Dear friend, don’t settle for dried out gnarly fruit. Don’t sit a prisoner of your own thoughts, fears, and anxieties.  You were created to taste all the juiciness of life. You are beautiful. You are smart. And more importantly, you are so WORTH someone else getting to know. Take a step outside the door. Stand on top of the mountain you thought you could not climb, and say with confidence the words that Sylvia Plath so desperately wished she could….

” I took a deep breath, and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am. I am. I am. “

Image may contain: people standing, sky, mountain, tree, outdoor and nature

 

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